I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
