just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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