and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
