I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
false alarm, still single
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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