Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
