I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
