Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
