i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
