he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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