He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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