update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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