Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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