in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
