I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
