LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
