i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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