I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
