shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
