I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
