I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
