i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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