Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
