She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
