I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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