just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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