Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
