That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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