You made me cry and you don't even care
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
