I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
