Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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