i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
time to smoke my breakfast
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
