Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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