I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
