I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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