i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
