apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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