If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
