well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
