Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
