Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
