I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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