i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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