I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I did not marry a roomba.
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