my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
