Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
