I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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