I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
