someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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