My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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