Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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