wakey wakey hands off snakey
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
