Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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