the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
