the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
